I began to write a post about “a day in the life of Allison Graber,” when I realized that from the moment I wake up, until my eyes close, I have been existing/surviving one step at a time. Then I take the next step … and the next.
I force myself to do the task at hand.
I eat because I have to.
I shower because I have to.
I smile because that is what is expected.
I never imagined that I would feel this way. I have a job that, were I my normal self, I would thrive in. I have a husband who loves me. I live near my family, who I missed so much while I lived in Florida. But then I am reminded that my father is gone. My baby is not here and I am tired.
Life is hard, bad things happen, and I cry.
The only way for me to keep my sanity is to cling to the truth that I know.
I am not alone.
Some days all that keeps me going is hope; hope of an eternity without sadness. Thanks for sharing!
Allison… I remember when my Mom went home to be with the Lord. It took me almost 2 years to work through the loss where I didn’t feel like I was just sitting in an audience watching myself participate with life to the best degree that I could. The Lord very patiently and tenderly brought me to a place where He helped me to understand that I was to be actively involved on the stage of my life and that it was ok to be truly joyful about it. I began to understand that it was the best way to honor the memory of my mother because it is what she would have wanted for me. My heart goes out to you because I can relate to where you are….but be reassured, that God is going before you every step of the way and He will bring you to that place that only He can, that will allow you to be able to jump back into life with both feet running….and your Dad will be there right beside you helping you keep up the pace. His memory is alive in you and you’re right…..you are not alone!
Sometimes the emotion overtakes the logic of everything and you can’t help but feel this way. I hope your days get better, and the steps get bigger.
My heart goes out to you Allison.. I haven’t experienced this so I can’t begin to know what you are going thru. But to say lean on the Lord thru these times, surrender to him and he WILL carry you! Love ya!
Ok, one more comment… I was just looking at your popular tags on the sidebar here, and noticed that “family” by far outnumbers every other tag you have. I think that is amazing, and I think that means you have great support behind you. It’s nice that you are able to be so open, it allows the ones close to you to come in and help you find your happiness again.
Allison have you ever considered an antidepressant? not forever but just to get you through a tough time in your life. Have you had any blood tests lately? maybe you have a chemical imbalance on top of all of the stress and grief you are having ?
Most people don’t want to take antidepressants because they don’t people to think they are crazy, but the only people who would have to know are you and the doctor plus whoever else you want to tell of course. I think it would be worth a try if you feeling that miserable and sad.
Remember that God created doctors and medicine ….
Thank you all for your comments. They are so appreciated.
Lisa- I do think that a part of my issue has to do with my Vitamin D deficiency. Once my insurance kicks in, I am going to go to the doctor and get a prescription. We’ll see what happens from there.
=( Aww, I wish I could have given you a hug. Really great to talk with you a bit about books the other day =)